I’ve been looking in the mirror for so long/ That I’ve come to believe my soul is on the other side/ All the little pieces falling shatter/ Shards of me/ Too sharp to put back together/ Too small to matter/ But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces/ And if I try to touch her/ I will bleed/ And I will bleed/ And I breathe no more…
I twisted around, groping for the phone. I felt it against my stomach and remembered I had let it fall before returning to sleep.
“Hello?” I answered, the sleepiness saturating my voice.
“Mia? Did I wake you?” Noel asked. Noel was practically my brother from another mother. We went way back, to the crib days.
“Kinda,” I mumbled. I let myself gently fall back down onto the pillow.
“Sleepyhead, it’s eight in the morning and I’m bored as hell. Entertain me,” he commanded.
“You bastard! Did you just call me to wake me up because you were bored?!” I yelped.
“Of course,” he laughed.
“Oh, I love you,” I sighed.
“Love you more, sister,” he replied. “We need to do something today, so get your ass up. I was thinking shopping and then the park. Can we take Lena?”
Lena was my incredibly loved five-year old sister. Her real name was Maple Lena, but people outside of our family called us by our middle names: Damian, Mia, and Lena.
“If she wants,” I said.
After assuring him she would definitely say yes, I decided to get up. I shuffled to the bathroom and washed my face and teeth. I pulled my hair back into a messy ponytail and walked into the ebony-topped kitchen with the wooden floors my mother loved.
As I contemplated on what to cook for Linden and Maple for breakfast, I pulled out a frying pan. Apple omelets sounded delicious, with diced tomatoes, spinach, and cheddar cheese. I had just finished the first omelet when Maple toddled in, rubbing her eyes. She alone had inherited my mother’s deep blue-green eyes.
“Good morning, baby sister!” I greeted her cheerfully. She hugged my knees in response and asked what I was making.
“An apple omelet. Want one?” She nodded and I instructed her to wash her hands and then sit on a stool. After I placed her breakfast on her favorite Little Bear plate, I served her some cranberry juice and pulled out a cup of strawberry yogurt for her. Like I said, she and my brother are my life. I take the best possible care for them.
I wanted her to be relaxed while she digested her breakfast, so I turned the medium-sized television on to Jojo’s Circus on Playhouse Disney. Linden shuffled in, bleary-eyed and in pajamas, a little bit after I finished the omelet I was going to save for him.
“This is the miracle of the century. Why are you awake?” I asked suspiciously as I slid his food onto another Little Bear plate.
Raising his dark eyebrows at the picture on his plate, he answered unconcernedly, “Mind your own business.”
“You’re my brother. Your life is my business. My sole purpose in living is to interrogate you about everything,” I replied, lightly tapping him on the head with my spatula.
He swatted my hand away. Turning around, I asked Maple, “Noel called this morning. Do you want to come shopping with us and then to the park? You now what shopping with Noel is like: He’s going to buy you everything he sees.”
“Were you talking to me, Aspen?” Maple asked, twisting around from her cartoon.
“Yes. Do you want to come?”
“Sure.” And she resumed her brain melting.
While washing the dishes, Maple was changing into something suitable for both killer shopping and park playing, Linden sat behind the counter, facing my back.
“Are you going to tell me what went on last night?” he said quietly, so even if Maple had walked in she wouldn’t have been able to hear.
“I don’t exactly plan to,” I mumbled, turning away.
“Why not? You know if it was something serious, I wouldn’t laugh. What happened?” he persisted.
“NOTHING HAPPENED!” I shouted. I could feel the scream tear through my throat and it hurt. I immediately regretted it.
“Fine. This just means I now don’t have to tell you what’s wrong when you fucking ask me. See how you like it,” he spoke calmly. He turned his face down and began to eat his omelet stiffly, pointedly ignoring me.
I sighed, cleaned up the kitchen and walked to my room. I don’t know why I didn’t want to tell Linden why I was upset. Lie. Yes, I did. I didn’t want to upset him with what happened to me. And I knew he would go after Leo and murder him.
I peered into my closet and put on a simple pair of small boot cut jeans with an elbow length black button shirt. I stepped into some white flip-flops and went to the restroom to put on make-up and comb my messy hair.
Noel came to pick us up around ten in his silver Spyder convertible. Maple, as always, squealed when she saw him and hugged him. As the day progressed, we bought many things that a five year old does not need and then went to the park where Noel bought us a delicious funnel cake that didn’t live very long.
He dropped us back off at six and after I gave Maple a bath and put her to sleep, I saw Linden in the computer room. He was sitting at the screen, staring at some pictures.
“What are you doing?” I asked timidly.
He didn’t reply. So he was still angry from this morning. I saw his profile, his curly dark brown curls obscuring his eyes from view. He was really tall and lanky, like my dad, but this was a side I had never seen before. Of course he was my brother and siblings get mad at each other eventually, but he had never refused to talk to me.
“Are still mad at me?” I inquired further.
“Don’t really care” was his short response.
“Look,” I began, “I don’t have to tell you anything. You sure as hell don’t tell me everything.”
“Well, then don’t.”
“Goddammit! Linden! Why are you doing this to me? Do you really want to know? That fucking guy that Michelle set me up with turned out to be an ass. All he wanted was to touch me. So I couldn’t take it and went to tell Michelle-“
“Aspen, wait-“
“- and you know what? She didn’t give a damn! She got after me for not being over it yet. So I asked her to take me home and now I guess I’m not her friend anymore because all she did was yell at me more.” I was in tears, and I wiped them furiously away, and glared at Linden.
To my surprise, he blinked and a few tears slipped out, sliding down his face.
“Aspen…I’m sorry. I wanted to know so bad…And I’m sorry. Please stop crying. See? Now, I have to go find that guy and kill him,” he whispered, stretching out his hands for me to go hug him. I did.
“Please don’t do that. All I want is Michelle back and for her to understand,” I whimpered into his shoulder.
“I know,” he said, comforting me.
“Now, I want you to go to bed and forget all about this, okay? Forget that I was ever mad at you. Just calm down and go to sleep,” he instructed. He walked me to my room and tucked me in like my mother would do if she was here and not on vacation with my father. He gently kissed my forehead and left the room, his wandering footsteps resonating with the healing he had brought into my being.
Take a breath and I try to draw from my spirit’s well/ But yet again you refuse to drink like a stubborn child/ Lie to me/ Convince me that I’ve been sick forever/ That all of this will make sense when I get better/ And I know the difference/ Between myself and my reflection/ And if I try to touch her/ I will bleed/ I will bleed/ And I breathe/ I breathe/
I breathe/ And I breathe/ I breathe/ I breathe no more…
My cell phone was singing. My ring tone: Breathe No More. Someone was calling. I twisted around and the sheets turned with me. I reached for my phone, my pale hand moving through the darkness, starkly contrasting with the gloss of my bedside table. I picked it up and brought it to me, straining to see the caller ID.
Michelle it read. I could see the picture ID also appearing, displaying a close-up of her beautiful face with her shimmering green eyes. I wondered if I should answer it.
As soon as that thought was done being thought, the phone stopped singing.
I stared at it.
I let my phone drop softly and fell back into my desperate slumber.
“You’re such a fucking baby!” Michelle screamed at me as I fell out of her car, scrambled to my legs, and ran to my house. I dug through my purse for my house keys as I reached the darkened door.
I heard a screech of tire on asphalt and saw the blur of deep red turn the corner. Michelle’s and Leo’s laughter echoed in my ears even after they were gone. I had my hand on the door when it was yanked open by Linden.
“What the hell? I thought you were spending the night at Shelly’s?” he said as I wedged in between him and the door into the hallway.
“Not anymore,” I murmured, walking toward my room.
“Are you okay?”
I didn’t answer him. I unlocked my door and stepped inside to the familiar comfort. My floor has very soft black carpeting that you sink into when you step on it. When I stepped, I wondered why I just didn’t keep sinking, slip through the floor to the ground beneath.
“Aspen,” I heard my brother say right outside the door.
“Yes?” I choked, holding back everything I wanted to scream.
“Is everything okay?”
“When has that ever mattered?” I said, ripping off my black wrap dress, kicking off my flats.
“It’s always mattered. You just never noticed it,” he responded in his kind voice.
I scrambled into some tennis shorts and an oversized shirt and promptly crawled into the safety of my sheets.
“Can you please leave me alone?” I asked, sliding my head under the pillow. I heard his footsteps fade away.
Feel the life pulsing through you.
Breathe the living air and see the encompassing darkness.
Know each breath so pure,
each drop of blood so red,
each bruise so bleu
is a blessing.
Feeling everything you feel is a gift.
Prefer to live above all else.
Life's too goddamn short.
Hold on to your happiness and go after her when she's running away.
She might get lost and not know the way back.
...
Well, people, there comes a time when we have to talk or we will explode. That's bad by the way. Let me speak? Where do I begin? Overall, I've been doing good. Nothing too serious.
I realized that what makes me utterly happy is something so spaced out and so far apart. What keeps me going is the chance that I might see the people I care about throughout the day. That is the only thing that pulls me out of bed.
I had one of the greatest days in my life this past Saturday. My bestest sister and my bestest friend finally realized they love each other(with a little of interference from me). Muwahahahahaha!
*cough* *recomposes self* I think they are the best things for each other. *tink* has been happy and stupid since she has been with him and I definitely prefer this side of her than the grumpy, "I hate the world"-mood. Corey also seems to be brighter.
Meanwhile, my nightmares have not left me alone, but multiplied. I doubt they ever will leave me alone. I had a very scary dream in which Clarissa and I were taking a stroll along a city street, when this hooded man leapt out of thin air and tried to hurt Clarissa in the most horrible way. You know what I mean. I snapped and literally jumped at the man, pried him off of her( she was screaming terribly), and pushed him down. I grasped each one of his arms one by one and twisted with all of my might. They began to break and snap, but I didn't stop. I finished by holding his bent arms up and ramming my foot through each elbow. Satisfied, hearing his whimpers of agony, I held onto Clarissa and led her out of there. I found a really clean public restroom and tried to comfort Clarissa. All she could do was sit on the toilet seat and sob. I was really angry, so infuriated. Then, Corey, walked in(I don't know how since it was a girls bathroom) and I started to scream(a string of curse words) and realized who it was. Corey wanted to know what was wrong with Clarissa, but she could do was cry...It was heart-breaking beyond all belief. Then, the man actually entered(I don;t know how seeing as his arms seemed to have passed through a slicer andbeen tenderized) and I freaked(string of curse words). I tried going after him, but Corey stopped me. He put two and two together, grabbed him by the collar, and led him silently out of the restroom to his death.
It was a frightening dream. I have had many others, don't have enough time and don't want to scare more people. Bye. ♥
